A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

Let's Never Fight Again, James Cameron

Yet another Hair Balls cross-post...

I finally managed to catch Avatar last weekend. I don't know if holding out this long was more because of the demands of infant children or my holding out hope that withholding my handful of dollars might keep the movie from steamrollering to the top spot in all-time box office. That last option turned out to be a lost cause, as James Cameron's latest took less than two months to achieve this, and has since become the only movie to gross $2 billion, the first to gross $1 billion internationally, and the first to gross $100 million in specialized IMAX theaters.

Okay, first of all...wow, was I wrong. I mean, I never said the movie was going to flop, just that it wouldn't make Titanic money. Clearly I underestimated the lethal combination of Cameron's Svengali-like hold on the moviegoing public, nerd OCD, and the insinuation of furry porn in our society. For that, I can only say mea maxima culpa.

And while it's easy to talk about stuff like "inflation-adjusted dollars" and inflated IMAX ticket prices, Avatar has been #1 at the box office since it opened, holding out against supposed contenders like Sherlock Holmes and The Book of Eli. Now that there's no longer a question of "if" the movie will shatter box office records, all that's left is seeing how high Avatar can go.

Oh, and of course there's going to be a sequel. And of course it will be in 3-D (which reminds me: congratulations, you assholes...because Hollywood studios are such exemplars of original thought, every other tentpole release from here on out will utilize the same eye-watering, migraine-inducing technology). Admittedly, it's hard to blame Cameron (who already has a couple sequels under his belt). The guy spend five years and a couple hundred million dollars designing the technology, after all. Hell, why not use if for all your next movies? Better yet, see if George Lucas wants to make any more Star Wars movies with it. I'm sure we all want to see an updated Jar-Jar.

Sorry, I'm just so giddy for Cameron...or "Jim," as his friends call him. Friends who may have spec scripts that wouldn't require anywhere near the time or money Avatar did, for example.

Having said that, Avatar really is the purest example of a "word of mouth" performer I've ever seen. There wasn't a built-in audience for it (like you see with franchises and sequels), you could pretty much guess the entire plot from the first trailer, and while the critical reception has been very good, critics don't affect box office (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen grossed over $400 million, for example). Believe me, I used to be one.

And putting the critic hat back on last weekend, I saw a movie that was: visually stunning, technicaly flawless, and wholly derivative. Seriously, I stopped counting "influences" at 15, though I did come perilously close to leaping up and shouting "For he is the Kwisatz Haderach!" when Jake hopped on the Great Leonopteryx. There are also all the old Cameron chestnuts: the strong environmental message, a paradoxical combination of military hardware fetishism and intense distrust of the military, and Sigourney Weaver.

But aside from the technological advances on display, nothing about the movie screams "$2 billion!" I (sort of) understood Titanic: ladies love cool Leo, after all. But while I mostly enjoyed Avatar, I don't really get why people are going to see it five, ten, or twenty times. In a world where I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry can gross 120 mil, I guess anything's possible.

Seriously though, Jim...call me. I have a great treatment for a full-length Xenogenesis movie.

John Travolta -- Humanitarian

Another Hair Balls cross-post...

The tragedy of the earthquake in Haiti has, as expected, brought out both the best and worst of humanity. As an example of the former, we've seen the nations of the world send supplies and relief workers to help the stricken Caribbean nation. As for the latter, well, the comments of colossal dickbags such as Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh pretty much speak for themselves.

But then, it's hard to blame Robertson. This is a guy whose capacity for honest empathy was completely wiped out by decades of belief in a merciless supreme being. He's so close to shuffling off his own moral coil it's rendered him incapable of seeing anything but the avenging Angel of Death in every natural disaster, economic downturn, or hangnail. Rush, of course, occupies that truly rarefied stratum of delusional hypocrisy reserved for those who not only lie about their own illegal/immoral activities, but who can still keep a straight face when calling for the punishment of others who behave identically.

And then there's John Travolta. As you may or may not have heard, the once and future Tony Manero flew his Boeing 707 into Port-au-Prince last Monday to deliver sox tons of MREs, doctors, and -- oh yeah -- several Scientology "volunteer ministers" to offer aid to the stricken.

This gesture of absolute selflessness by the Wild Hogs actor and Operating Thetan 5, amazingly, elicited some negative reactions:

There is a backlog of at least 800 aircraft awaiting permission to land at the overloaded airport, which can handle just 130 flights daily, prompting recriminations from some aid agencies

Some loser aid agencies, you mean. It's not the fault of the Church of Scientology's that it just happens to attract the best and brightest of America's celebrity population. Hey, Doctors Without Borders; sorry if you can't compete with the incandescent star power of Danny Masterson and Catherine Bell. Maybe you should set up some outreach centers in West Hollywood instead of spending all your money providing care to people who don't even own TVs.

One US doctor, who declined to be named, said it was more a credibility thing. "I didn't know touching could heal gangrene."

Obviously somebody hasn't been keeping up with the latest [CoS approved] medical literature. One look at this picture ought to set him straight:

The fact that the minister is wearing rubber gloves during the "assist" is not, as some cynics have said, to avoid touching the unwashed brown people. No, it's actually because the healing power of the Scientologist's touch is so potent that -- without a tactile barrier of some kind -- the recipient would be so thoroughly healed they'd become nigh-invincible superbeings. And I think we all remember what happened the last time we created a bunch of those...

I know we in the world of celebrity "journalism" are quick to view any apparently philanthropic act by a public figure with a healthy amount of suspicion. It's our way of living with ourselves after willingly regurgitating everything we're told by publicists and movie studios. But in Travolta's case, let us for once recognize his action for what it is: a charitable gesture from a man who sincerely wants to offer assistance to a beleaguered country, and not a desperate publicity ploy by an actor in an upcoming movie who hasn't had a legitimate hit since 1997.

From Paris with Love opens February 5.

Mars doesn't need women

So NASA is apparently taking public suggestions for where to point the High Resolution Imaging Science Experiment (HiRISE) camera on NASA's Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter. No doubt the agency is anticipating a slew of requests for Victoria Crater or Olympus Mons, and I salute such educational endeavors. Then again, let us not ignore the other applications of this technology; specifically, scoping out potential Martian babes.

5. Genevieve Selsor (Bernadette Peters) -- The Martian Chronicles (1980)

1970s/80s vintage Bernadette Peters was smoking hot, to be sure. But as this clip of the spectacularly annoying Selsor -- one of the last remaining humans on Mars -- demonstrates why she's best viewed from afar.

4. Vampire Girl (Vampira, AKA Maila Nurmi) -- Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959)

Admittedly, I don't even know if -- cough -- Eros and Tanna and the gang were actually from Mars. And the Vampire Girl is actually, as far as I can remember, a human woman resurrected as a result of Plan 9. Sue me, I have a thing for goth chicks.

3. Martian Girl (Lisa Marie) -- Mars Attacks (1996)

A star-studded cast, alien invasion, yodeling...it's hard to explain why this never really caught on. If nothing else, it remains note worthy for introducing the concept of the "Kennedy Room."

2. Dejah Thoris (Lynn Collins) -- John Carter of Mars (2012)

Thoris is a Red Martian princess rescued by the Earthling John Carter from the clutches of the Green Martians in Edgar Rice Burrough's Barsoom series. The movie is still two years away, which means anything can happen, casting wise, but right now this is who they have slated to play her. She appears to have the requisite...assets.

1, Mary (Lycia Naff) -- Total Recall (1990)

Frankly, after seeing this I'm not so sure "getting your ass to Mars" is all that great an idea. I mean, three breasts is a viable fetish. Three cheeks? Not so much.

The following is NSFW, if you couldn't tell.